


With friends like these

by deargodwhatisthatthing



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 05:36:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8274721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deargodwhatisthatthing/pseuds/deargodwhatisthatthing
Summary: In which Katsura’s gotta do what he’s gotta do, and Gintoki is just an incurable arsehole.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So... this is a bit crappy - my attempt at some Gintama-esque humour is probably a bit of an insult to Sorachi's genius – but the dialogue was fun to write.

Katsura’s breath came harsh and ragged now. He leapt the fence and winced as he landed – a miscalculation three leaps back. He crouched as he lobbed the nmaibo behind him and was gone before the explosion, not waiting for the smoke to billow and the hacking coughs to begin. 

He ducked his head out warily into the street before slipping out into the stream of people. Elizabeth was waiting at the rendezvous point and timing was critical. Up ahead, three men in the distinctive shinsengumi uniform were stopping and searching passers-by, and Katsura briefly considered another smoke bomb – no, too many bystanders. He ducked into an alley, easing off his swollen ankle and considered his next move. 

Without warning, he felt a sudden lurch of foreboding inside. 

_Not now _, he thought. _Not now!___

____He melted back further into the darkness of the alley, the clenching feeling taking hold, and weighed up his options._ _ _ _

____Gintoki’s place. It was hardly ideal; Gintoki could be erratic at the best of times, but this couldn’t wait. He would have to trust that his old comrade would help him out. He padded soundlessly to the other end of the alley and was gone in the direction of Yorozuya Gin-chan._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____*_ _ _ _

____Gintoki turned the page and sighed. Jump wasn’t quite the same since Bleach ended. He missed those 16 pages of reaction shots. He probed his nostril with his pinky and was about to reach for the toilet paper when he heard the sound of a door sliding. Inside the apartment._ _ _ _

____His senses pricked immediately . It wasn’t Kagura, she always slammed back doors as if they had done her a personal wrong. Not Shinpachi either, since Gintoki hadn’t heard him arrive back._ _ _ _

____Gintoki wished he didn’t have his pants around his ankles, that was going to make this much more difficult; he hadn’t even wiped his ass yet. He tensed, his hand slowly curling around the handle of his bokuto, and began to stand…_ _ _ _

____“Gintoki!” The whisper hissed through the door, fervent but completely familiar. “Gintoki! I need to use your bathroom!”._ _ _ _

____Gintoki plunked back down onto the toilet seat, relieved but irritated. “Oi, Zura – what kind of moron comes sneaking into someone’s house like that? It’s lucky I was already on the toilet, or Shinpachi would have had extra washing today!”_ _ _ _

____“Gintoki, did you hear me? I need to use your bathroom! I have to go.”_ _ _ _

____“You should go elsewhere, that’s where you should go.” Gintoki ran his hand through his hair grumpily and settled back down to read. “This is Gin-san’s special time.”_ _ _ _

____Katsura stood in the hallway frowning and folded his hands elegantly into his sleeves, but spoiled the effect by jigging up and down on the spot uncomfortably. “Just let me in, ok? I was in the middle of something important out there - I have to get back to it.”_ _ _ _

____“ _I’m _in the middle of something important in here, oi. I can’t just take a hiatus half-way through – what is this, HunterxHunter?”___ _ _ _

______Katsura seemed to be about to say something else, so Gintoki decided now was the time to start singing. He made it all the way through the Doraemon OP and was halfway one of those terrible Otsu anthems that Shinpachi liked so much before he realised that he hated Otsu and didn’t know any of the words anyway. He paused to see if Katsura had got fed up and wandered off._ _ _ _ _ _

______There was a silence in the hallway while the terrorist weighed those options again. Could he make it elsewhere in time? Katzura squirmed and rubbed his face, pressing his eyes with his fingers until the purple and yellow blotches bloomed inside his eyelids. It didn’t help. “Gintoki. Come on. Think of the readers! They want battles and tension and screaming. No-one reads shonen to see some guy wait for some other guy to leave the bathroom!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Gintoki smiled lazily and lay down his Jump in his lap. “Baka Zura! Perhaps not regular shonen, but that’s exactly why they read Gintama – we’re like one long omake. You never saw Kuchiki Byakuya forgetting to take out his kenseikan and waking up wth bedhead, did you? Ryuk ate all those apples, but what happened to them afterwards, uh? Those characters are always being dramatic and saying cool things – but think of how much more relatable you are, Zura! There’s not one of our readers who can’t sympathise with your distress. I’m doing you a favour. You’ll be a big hit in the next popularity poll.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Katsura rested his forehead on the door frame and slowly but rhythmically pounded his skull against the wood. “Gintoki.” His voice cracked slightly. “Gintoki, please. We are samurai. Have some decency.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______“Ah, sorry, Zura.” Gintoki leant back against the wall and stretched his legs out in front of him. “The writer has decided you don’t get to keep your dignity this chapter.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______There was a brief pause and an intake of breath on the other side of the door and then Katsura screamed “DAMMIT GINTOKI YOU LET ME IN THERE RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME I WILL DO IT RIGHT THERE ON YOUR FUTON!”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Bingo. Critical mass. Gintoki wiped his ass with one hand and pulled up his pants with the other. “Zura, who knew you were so forward?” he called out, as he rinsed his hands. He crossed to the door and lifted the latch, sliding it open. “Forcing entry, threatening to do it on my bed-” He didn’t get to finish; Katsura shoved past him in a blur of satiny hair and wide agonised eyes and the door slammed shut behind him._ _ _ _ _ _

______Gintoki looked at the closed door for a few seconds with a thoughtful look on his face, then slumped down on the sofa, propping himself up on his arm, and waited._ _ _ _ _ _

______A few minutes passed._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Gintoki? Gintoki…_ _ ____

______… is there any toilet paper out there?”_ _ _ _ _ _

Gintoki smiled. 

_The mighty shonen battle continues…_


End file.
